


Touchdowns and Tenderness

by iloveromance



Category: Frasier (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-05
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-10 05:46:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 8,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20522921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iloveromance/pseuds/iloveromance
Summary: When Daphne shows a sudden interest in football, Niles goes to great lengths to learn as much as he can about the game in order to make her happy.





	1. Chapter 1

Daphne blotted her eyes as the credits began to roll. "That was so beautiful."

Niles shrugged. "I suppose. If you like that sort of thing."

She turned to him in surprise.

"I thought you loved this movie! You're always so eager to watch it with me."

He leaned over and kissed her. "I love that you love it, my angel. But personally..."

"What?"

He sighed, wishing he hadn't spoken at all. In an effort to make her forget the conversation, he drew her close and kissed her again; deeper this time.

But instead of giving in to the kiss, she pushed him away.

"Niles, I'm serious! What were you going to say?"

There was no backing out now. Might as well say what was on his mind.

"Why do you like the film so much?" He finally asked.

Her dreamy smile warmed his heart. "Oh, Darling... I've told you this so many times."

He smiled and caressed her hand, bringing it to his lips for a kiss.

"Tell me again."

Daphne leaned against the back of the fainting couch. "All right. Well... it's funny, sweet, sad... and so romantic."

"It certainly is, but..."

"But what?"

"Well... It's the plot. It's completely ludicrous! I mean, how in the world could the hero expect the heroine to forgive him after what he's done to her?"

Daphne turned to her husband with a look of annoyance. "Because she loves him."

"But Daphne, the man stole her inheritance and left her in financial ruins! I would never do that to you! And if that ever happened, I certainly wouldn't expect for you to forgive me."

She rose from the fainting couch and crossed the room where she angrily returned the DVD to its case before forcefully turning off the television.

"It's romantic! But I shouldn't have expected you to understand! You know Niles Crane, sometimes I wonder why I ever fell in love with you at all!"

The words cut through him like a knife and in response his hand flew to his heart, amazed at how much it hurt.

"Wh-what are you saying?"

"We're as different as night and day! Can't you see that?"

"Well yes, but Daphne that's why I love you so much!"

"I love you too, Niles. But I don't think this is working out. I mean..."

The pause that followed was much too long, and he could feel his heart beating against his chest.

What had he done?


	2. Chapter 2

He swallowed hard, preparing himself for what was coming.

"Daphne, what are you saying?"

Exasperated, she threw her hands into the air.

"Look at us! We're complete opposites! We have absolutely nothing in common and... Oh, bloody hell! Why am I explaining this to you anyway? You're too wrapped up in your wine and opera nonsense to be the least bit concerned about my interests!"

"But Daphne, you know I share your interests! I-I mean... I love the movies you pick out for us to watch... a-and the food that you cook and-."

"Your nose is bleeding, Niles." She said; her voice breaking. "Don't you see what's happening here?"

I'm losing you... he said silently.

When she walked away, the pain was greater than he'd ever imagined. A heart attack was nothing compared to this agony.

"Daphne, please... I..."

"Leave me alone, Niles!"

When she reached the doorway, he stared at her helplessly, fighting back tears.

"Daphne, my angel... I... I love you... I-."

Her hand on the doorknob, she paused and turned to him...

And then promptly burst into tears.

He rushed toward his wife, drawing her into his arms. "Daphne-."

"I-I'm so sorry..." She cried against his chest.

He held her closer and rubbed her back in an effort to calm her. "It's my fault, my angel. I was insensitive and hurtful toward you. I'm so sorry."

She looked at him tearfully and took his hands in hers. It was then that he noticed how tired she looked and a wave of guilt washed over him. He stroked her hair and then kissed her cheek.

"You're exhausted, my love. I've been much too demanding of you when you do such a wonderful job of taking care of me, our home and our son; not to mention all the help you've given Dad. I'm... so sorry."

"You've done nothin' wrong. It's me. I'm just... so tired."

"Why don't you go upstairs and take a nap? You deserve it."

"But what about David? And-."

"Don't worry about anything. Just go upstairs and get some rest."

She smiled and kissed him tenderly. "I love you, Niles Crane."

"And I love you, my angel."

As he watched her climb the stairs, he still couldn't believe that she was his.


	3. Chapter 3

Niles turned off the DVD player and returned the DVD to its case. How could he have been so unfeeling, making a spectacle of himself over a ridiculous movie? He'd watched it with Daphne so many times that he practically knew each word by heart and he had to admit that he'd grown quite fond of it.

His practice had been so demanding lately and it had certainly taken a toll on his well-being. But he'd taken his frustrations out on Daphne; something he vowed he'd never do.

He was mere seconds away from walking upstairs to apologize once more when he was interrupted by the ringing telephone.

"Hello?"

"Hey Niles, it's Roz. Is Daphne around?"

"She is Roz, but-."

"But what? I need to talk to her."

"Daphne's not feeling well right now and she's upstairs laying down."

"Well get her on the phone, Niles! I don't have much time!"

Niles grabbed a piece of paper and a pen from the kitchen counter. "I'll leave her a message and be sure and tell her that you called."

"Go wake her up! This is important!"

"Roz, I told you! Daphne-."

"NOW, Niles!"

He sighed deeply. "All right, fine. But if Daphne gets angry over this, I'm blaming you!"

"Trust me, she'll get over it when she hears what I have planned for tonight."

"I'm sure it's wonderful but I don't think that Daphne's going to -."

"Tell her that it'll be a night that she'll never forget."

"Isn't that what you told your last three one-night stands?" Niles quipped.

"Damn it, Niles! Put her on the phone! NOW!"

Shaken by her outburst, Niles put the extension on hold and walked upstairs to the master bedroom.

As he peeked into the room, he wasn't surprised to find that the door was ajar and the light was off.

Quietly he slipped into the room, his heart warming when he saw Daphne sleeping peacefully. She looked so beautiful it almost took his breath way.

Ever so gently he leaned over and kissed her lips, causing her to gasp in surprise as her eyes fluttered open.

"Niles."

"I'm so sorry to wake you, my love."

At once she bolted upright in the bed, clearly confused. "What's happened? Is something wrong with David?"

Immediately guilt consumed him, for he hadn't anticipated this. He'd just woken her out of a sound sleep. Of course she'd be worried.

"David's just fine. I'm sorry if I scared you. Roz is on the phone for you. I tried to take a message but she insisted on talking to you."

"Oh... All right. I'm sorry, Niles. I-."

"It's okay. I guess I was having a bad dream. I've been having a lot of those lately."

"Oh my angel, why didn't you say anything?"

"I didn't want to worry you, Darling. I'm sure it's just stress. I'll be all right."

"I'll let you have some privacy."

"Thank you."

As he turned to leave she took his hand, causing him to whirl around and face her.

"Niles?"

"Yes, Daphne?"

"Thank you... for worrying about me."

She took his face in her hands and kissed him, smiling when he blushed.

Niles closed the door behind him and peeked into David's room, relieved to find his son sleeping. Then he walked downstairs and settled into his favorite chair to catch up on his reading.

He wanted so much to be annoyed with Roz for making him wake Daphne, but instead he was grateful.

She'd been such a good friend to his wife, and Daphne's happiness meant the world to him.


	4. Chapter 4

"Niles?"

Daphne's sweet voice caused Niles to look up from his reading. She descended down the stairs and for a second, he'd almost forgotten how beautiful she was.

"Hello, my love. Did you have a nice nap?"

"It was wonderful." She replied, kissing her husband's cheek.

"I'm sorry Roz disturbed you."

"Actually I'm glad she called. Can I ask you something?"

"Of course, my angel."

Roz is having a Super bowl party tonight and really wants me to come. Would it be all right?"

Niles eyes widened in amazement. "Superbowl party? But Daphne, you hate baseball!"

Daphne grinned. "Football, Niles. And I know I said that I hated the game before, but I've watched enough games with your father that it's kind of grown on me."

Niles let this information sink in. "Why didn't you ever say anything before?"

"Well, it just never occurred to me. I mean, you're not a sports fan at all and it didn't seem important enough to bring it up. And even if I did you don't know the first thing about football. How would we ever have a conversation about it?"

The words were certainly true, but he couldn't deny that they stung. Although he'd never admit it, she'd made him feel as though he was a child and he didn't like the feeling at all. But because he loved her, he decided to overlook it.

"You're right, Daphne. I've never been a sports enthusiast like Dad."

He and his father were so different that Niles wondered if they were related at all.

"So can I go?"

Niles looked up in surprise.

"Go?"

"To Roz's party."

"Oh! Of course! And I know exactly what I'll wear! I still have that Sonics jersey from when I threw that basketball and-."

Daphne smiled and took his hands in hers.

"Actually Roz said that the party was just for her girlfriends."

"Right, how silly of me." Niles said, trying to hide his disappointment.

"I'm sorry, Darling. I hate leaving you at home. I'll just call Roz and tell her that I can't make it."

But Niles stopped her as soon as she picked up the phone. "You'll do nothing of the kind. You work hard and you've been an absolute angel. You deserve to have some fun."

"But what about-."

"David and I will have a wonderful time together-just the two of us."

Daphne wrapped her arms around Niles and kissed him deeply. "What would I do without you?"

"I don't ever want to find out." Niles said. "I love you, Daphne."

"And I love you, Niles. Now, I'd better go upstairs and get ready."

A few minutes later she returned to the living room with David in her arms.

"Look who just woke up from his nap."

Niles took the baby and kissed his cheek.

"Mommy will be right back down and then I'll be heading off to Roz's."

Against his son's wishes, Niles laid David on the floor where his quilted blanket was spread and handed him a toy to keep him occupied. As he suspected, David began to cry, letting Niles know that he wasn't happy with the situation.

Feeling guilty, Niles considered picking David up, but he quickly pushed the thought from his mind. "I'm sorry David but I have to make a very important phone call."

"Come on, pick up!" Niles said as the phone rang continuously.

"Hello?"

"Ronee, its Niles. I need to speak to Dad right away!"

"Oh, hey Niles! Is that David I hear crying in the background?"

"Um... No... That's the television set." Niles lied, wishing he had a handkerchief. "David's fine." He added, a little too quickly. "Just get Dad on the phone... Please!"

"All right, hang on."

Seconds later, Niles heard rustling and then his father's voice.

"Hello?"

"Dad, thank God! I need your help!"

"Sure Niles, but this had better be good! ESPN is showing the Best of the Seahawks and-WHOA! Did you see that, Ronne? Hanson just kicked a fifty yard field goal!"

"That's nice Dad, but how can you possibly think about baseball at a time like this?"

He heard his father sigh deeply. "Niles, what do you want?"

"I'm desperate, Dad!"

Just then, David began to cry even louder.

"Is that my grandson? Niles, what's wrong with him?"

"He's just a bit upset with me Dad. He'll be fine. But the reason I'm calling is because-."

"The hell he's fine! Why is he screaming like that?"

Reluctantly, Niles walked over and picked David up, trying to balance the phone receiver on his shoulder and his son in his arms.

"Look, I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told Frasier."

Niles hurried into the kitchen and grabbed a notepad and a pen.

"I'm listening." He said with a smile.

"Oh geez..." came his father's reply. "All right, now listen good! When David starts crying like that, all you need to do is pour a little beer into a baby bottle and mix it in with some formula."

Niles mouth fell open. "You're actually suggesting that I give my infant son an alcoholic beverage?"

"Now Niles it worked for you boys so I don't see why-."

The phone fell from Niles' hand, and he returned David to the blanket. "Dear God! Dad, you actually feed me beer as a baby? Does Frasier know about this?"

"It's completely harmless!" Martin said, deliberately ignoring the question. "But whatever you do, don't tell Daphne I even suggested it. She's liable to double my exercises and it's bad enough that-."

"It's fine, Dad. I won't say a word." Niles said, trying to stay focused. "I wasn't calling about David, though. I need your help with something else."

"All right. What is it, Son?"

"Well, it's Daphne."

"Daphne? She hasn't had any more of those psychic visions has she? You know I always thought she was crazy, until she called here in hysterics because she had a vision that I was going to be hit by a bus. I didn't think much of it, until one night I'm walking back from Duke's and just as I was about to cross the street, this bus-."

"Dad, please! I need your help!"

"What's the problem?"

"I need you to teach me everything there is to know about football...as quickly as possible!"


	5. Chapter 5

"Oh geez, not this again! Niles I've told you over and over-."

"But Dad, you've got to help me!"

"No, Niles! Absolutely not! I'm not getting involved with this! I gave up on teaching you boys about sports a long time ago! After that fiasco when I told you that I was taking you to a real NBA game and you were convinced that we were going to a performance of the National Ballet Association! Damn near took me forever to convince you that there's no such thing! Just like I don't expect to ever understand opera or psychology mumbo-jumbo that you and Fras are always talking about."

"Come on, Dad. I'm begging you!"

"Look, you want to talk to someone about football? Call your brother. I'm sure he'll be more than happy-."

"But Frasier doesn't know the first thing about the Mariners!"

"My point exactly!"

"I'm not doing this for me, Dad. I'm doing it for Daphne!"

"Look, you want to do Daphne a favor? Stick to your wine and your opera. Believe me; she'll thank you for it!"

"But-."

To Niles' dismay the line went dead.

"I'm ready."

Niles looked up to see Daphne walking downstairs wearing a blue Seahawks sweatshirt and jeans and her hair was pulled back away from her face.

"You're stunning." He said, unable to take his eyes off of her.

"Oh Niles, you've been saying sweet things like that since we met. And besides, I'm hardly stunning, with me hair a mess and this ratty sweatshirt. But I don't think a dress would be appropriate to wear to a Super Bowl party."

"You're always beautiful to me." Niles said, taking her in his arms for a lingering kiss.

"Well, if this is the sort of thing I'll be missing while I'm at Roz's, perhaps I should stay here."

"No. Absolutely not. You deserve a night out. You've been working so hard and I'm more than happy to stay here with David.

He looked over, relieved to find that David was lying on the blanket, playing contentedly with a stuffed blue bunny. It was a gift from Mrs. Woodson, along with the dozens of other toys in the nursery.

Upon learning that Niles was going to be a father, Mrs. Woodson had been much too generous, showering Niles and Daphne with baby gifts. He made a mental note to give her a raise as soon as possible.

"Well, all right. I guess I'll get going then. But I promise I'll come home right after the game is over. Oh I can hardly wait for the halftime show! Elton John and Billy Joel are both performing! That should be so exciting! I still remember when you took me to see Billy Joel at Key Arena. It was wonderful, and so sweet of you to give up your tickets for me."

Niles cringed, remembering how he'd given up the tickets she'd bought him to the Mongolian throat-singing; an event that he was sure would he would never again be able to get tickets to-in his lifetime anyway.

"Anything for you, my angel." He said, kissing her in an attempt to make himself forget.

"I'd better get going." Daphne said. She went to David and picked him up. "Now, be a good boy for Daddy, Sweetheart.

She kissed her son one more time and put him in Niles' arms.

"Niles, are you sure this is okay?"

"Have a wonderful time, my love." Niles said as he helped Daphne put on her coat and kissed her once more.

"I love you, Niles." Daphne said, closing the door behind her.

Alone with his son, Niles smiled; grateful to have the chance to bond.

He turned on the television set, instantly bombarded with coverage of the upcoming Super bowl game. Watching with confusion, his head began to spin as the sportscasters went on and on about the game and the strategies that each team would use. He had no idea what the terminology meant and when David began to fuss, he had to admit he was grateful for the distraction.

He could just picture Daphne sitting in Roz's apartment, cheering on whichever baseball team was playing; yelling for them to make a basket.

Her words came back to him;

"You don't know the first thing about football! We're complete opposites."

And since his father wouldn't help him to learn about the game, there was only one thing he could do.


	6. Chapter 6

Having exhausted all other resources, Niles walked through the hallway at KACL, not surprised in the least to find them deserted. Coming here was definitely a last resort.

He was mere seconds from leaving when he was greeted by an overly-cheerful voice;

"Well, I say! If it isn't Frasier Crane's brother! What in heaven's name are you doing here?"

Niles smiled, grateful that he'd encountered a familiar face and moved closer to shake his friend's hand.

"Gil Chesterman! Well, this certainly is a surprise! I didn't think your show aired on Sundays."

Gil smiled proudly. "Well not normally, but seeing that this is Super bowl Sunday, I thought I'd use the opportunity to gather some more listeners. Surely there are still some people in Seattle who are more interested in fine dining than in the most popular sport in America!"

Niles eyes lit up. "There's a squash tournament on TV?"

Gill rolled his eyes. "No! I'm talking about football! But squash would definitely be more enjoyable to watch! It's completely appalling that they dedicate an entire Sunday to such a dreadful event! I can't begin to imagine how anyone in their right mind could possibly enjoy sitting through such a horrific-."

"Is Bulldog here?"

Gil cringed. "On Superbowl Sunday? I should think not! The poor chap nearly got himself fired when he flat out refused to work today. Roz thought it would be good for ratings if he did a show on Superbowl Sunday, but Bulldog would have none of it. If it weren't' for Bulldog agreeing to never ask Roz on a date again, he'd be out on the streets. Although I'm doubtful that his little hiatus will last more than a week!"

At the news that Bulldog wasn't in the studio, Niles began to panic.

"Where is he?"

"Oh, I imagine he's in front of the biggest television set he could find, enjoying the game. Although why he finds that ridiculous sport so appealing is beyond-."

His heart racing, Niles grabbed Gil by the collar. "Please, Gil! You have to tell me where he is!"

In stunned amazement, Gil shoved Niles' hand away. "Dear God, get a hold of yourself! Have you gone mad?"

When Niles reached for Gil again, he took a few steps backward. "All right, if you must know, he's at the Scoreboard sports bar!"

Niles turned to run for his car when he heard Gil shouting. "If that doesn't work try his apartment."

He froze in the middle of the hallway and spun around to face his friend.

"Apartment?"

"Yes! In fact, I don't know why I didn't think about it before. Every year Bulldog has a huge Super bowl party; not that he's ever invited me... and -."

"What's his address?"

"Why Niles Crane, you know as well as anyone that I can't divulge such privileged personal information. We have a commitment to privacy here at KACL- something your brother used to embrace with his whole being and-."

"Please Gil! I need his address!" Niles yelled, grabbing Gil's collar once more.


	7. Chapter 7

"Get a hold of yourself!" Gil said, shoving Niles away. "Dear God, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you need professional help! Perhaps I should call-."

"Yes! You're absolutely right! I do need professional help!" Niles said. "That's why I need to talk to Bulldog... badly!"

"Well I hardly think that Bulldog knows the first thing about psychiatry, but-."

"Not psychiatry, Gil... football! I need to learn everything I can about it and I don't have much time!"

Gil's eyes widened. "Football? Oh dear, this is much worse than I thought!" he reached for his cell phone and began to dial.

"911? Yes, this is Gil Chesterman at the KACL studios and I need to report a very disturbed individual!"

"I am NOT disturbed!" Niles yelled. "Now give me the address before I'm forced to do something we'll both regret! I've never caused a scene in a restaurant before but... what's the name of that restaurant you just gave four stars to? The one that everyone is raving about?"

"Never mind, it's not an emergency after all. So sorry to have bothered you."  
Slowly, Gil closed his cell phone and turned to Niles.

"Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"Just give me his address!" Niles yelled. "I don't have all day!"

When Niles began to wheeze, Gil guided him to a chair and forced him to sit.

"Now, just relax and tell me what's so terribly important that you have to speak to Bulldog of all people? And more importantly, why are you hyperventilating?"

Niles forced himself to breathe deeply, but it wasn't easy.

"That's right." Gil coaxed. "Breathe in and out, in and out... slowly... slowly... Good job, Dr Crane's brother!"

"Thank you." Niles said, rolling his eyes when he managed to calm down.

"Now what seems to be the problem?"

"Daphne's at a Super bowl party at Roz's apartment." "

Gil gasped loudly. "Oh dear! This is terrible!"

Niles heart began to race. "It is?"

"Of course it is! I can't believe that Roz has sunk so low as to throw a party in celebration of such a ghastly event!"

"No, you don't understand! Daphne and I have nothing in common and when she asked me if she could go to this party I didn't hesitate to say yes. But I had no idea that she was such a big baseball fan! Why didn't she ever mention this before?"

"Baseball?"

"Why yes! The game that she's watching at Roz's."

"It's February, Niles! Why would they be showing a baseball game on Super bowl Sunday? It's hardly-."

Noticing Niles' blank expression, Gil shook his head. "Very well. I supposed there's no harm in giving you Bulldog's address. And I presume that this sudden interest in football has more to do with Daphne than anything. Am I right?"

As he looked at his friend, Niles' eyes filled with sadness. "I don't want to lose her, Gil."

"Lose her? Why, Daphne wouldn't leave you because of some ridiculous-."

When Niles lowered his head, Gil's expression faded. "Oh. I see. I'll be right back."

Minutes later, Gil returned, holding a small white business card in his hand.

"Here's the address but please don't share it with anyone. I'm giving it to you in the strictest of confidence and friendship."

Niles took the card and smiled. "Thank you, Gil. And thank you for the advice. It was very helpful."

Gil beamed with pride. "You're welcome! Perhaps I've missed my calling! I should have been a psychiatrist. What do you think, Niles?"

But Niles didn't hear him. He was already running out the door to his car.


	8. Chapter 8

Niles slowed his Mercedes to a halt in front of the dismal grey apartment buildings.

How could Bulldog possibly live in a place like this? Why, it was worse than the Shangri-La!

The mere reminder of his horrible former home made Niles shudder and suddenly he was grateful that he'd chosen to leave David with Mrs. Woodson for the afternoon.

If David were to see this horrid place, it might possibly scar him for life.

He glanced at the address once more and made his way through the maze of apartment buildings, each more dismal than the other.

He was only a few feet away when he heard loud noises coming from the upstairs apartment.

Please don't let this be the right place, please don't let this be the right place...

As he walked closer, he cringed when he realized that the noise was coming from apartment 13-G.

Maybe this was a bad idea. He turned to walk away when he heard the door open.

"Hey! What's up, Doc?" Bulldog laughed. "What in the hell are you doing here?"

"Hello Bulldog. I was wondering if I might ask you a favor."

Keeping the door ajar, Bulldog glanced into the apartment and then back at Niles.

"Well, okay, but can you make it fast? I'm kind of in the middle of something."

Bulldog glanced back into the apartment. "It's-Oh man! What are you, a moron? What'd you go and throw the ball to Timberland for? He's an idiot!"

"Um... Bulldog?"

"Yeah? What is it?" bulldog returned his attention to Niles. "Oh yeah...you wanted something."

"I need your help."

"Wait... You need my help?"

"Yes, I need you to teach me everything there is to know about football!" Niles yelled, trying to be heard over the screaming crowd.

Bulldog laughed. "Wait a minute. I must have heard you wrong because I could have sworn you said you wanted to learn about football."

Niles swallowed hard. "Yes, that's exactly what I said."

To Niles' dismay, Bulldog laughed hysterically narrowly spilling his beer in the process.

"Oh my God that's the most hilarious thing I've ever-."

He stopped suddenly when he saw Niles glaring at him.

"You're serious."

"Yes, and I only have until the ninth inning to do it!"


	9. Chapter 9

"Ninth inning?"

"Yeah, the end of the game! Daphne said that she's coming home right after the game ends and-."

"Look, Doc. I respect you and all and hey, let's face it. I don't respect anybody. But there's no way in hell I can teach you about football in one day."

"Bulldog, please! I'm desperate!" Niles cried.

"I'd love to help you but the score is really close now and-OH MY GOD I DON'T BELIEVE IT!"

Startled, Niles put his hand on Bulldog's shoulder. "Dear God, what's happened? Is someone hurt? Do I need to call an ambulance?"

"This is terrible!" Bulldog cried.

"What's wrong?"

"He had the ball in his hands and oh my God, he was TEN FEET from the goal line and... WHOA! No way, ref! No way that's a personal foul! Ten yard penalty? This stinks! It's total BS!"

Niles stared at the television in confusion. "What happened?"

"Don't you get it?" Bulldog yelled; his voice breaking. "Were going to lose the damn game! You're a bunch of losers! This is total BS!"

Niles rolled his eyes. "Are you going to help me or not?"

"Doc, I'm telling you. You learning about sports? That's a hopeless case. The game's gonna start again any minute and-."

"I'll give you one hundred dollars." Niles offered.

"No way, Doc! I don't take bribes. Besides, I've got a living room full of football fans here and-did you say a hundred dollars?"

Niles reached for his wallet, as Bulldog opened the door wider allowing Niles to walk inside.

Then he yelled to his guests. "All right losers! Beat it! Get out of here!"

The shocked party guests rose from their seats in protest, yelling at Bulldog when he grabbed their coats and threw them to their owners one by one and shoved them out the door.

"What's the big idea?" A very familiar blonde asked. "I thought you said we could snuggle on the sofa and watch the game! You promised!"

"Yeah, Sharon? Well, promises from Bulldog aren't worth crap!" Bulldog yelled.

Immediately the blonde burst into tears and grabbed her coat rushing past Niles.

"Women..." Bulldog muttered.

Niles looked at the woman in astonishment as she ran down the stairs, sobbing hysterically.

"Isn't that the woman that had you so upset when she dumped you?"

"Hey! I resent that! And she didn't dump me!"

"Hmm... I distinctly remember having a session with you in the men's room after this woman left you. Why, you even cried on my shoulder! I still have the tear stains on my tie! They're impossible to get out!"

Bulldog moved closer to Niles. "Look, do you want my help or not?"

"Well, I hardly think that I'd be in a place like this if I didn't!"

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean? Just because I don't live in a palace like you do-." Bulldog snapped.

"Nothing. I'm sorry." Niles said. "Yes, I do want your help. So, are you in?"

Bulldog thought for a moment. "I don't know..."

With a sigh, Niles reached into his wallet and removed several bills.

"All right. Two hundred dollars. That's my last offer."

Bulldog's eyes widened and he quickly pocketed the money.

"Right this way, Dr. Crane." Bulldog said, leading Niles through the apartment, which was in complete disarray from the party.

Niles held his breath, trying his best not to speak.

Suddenly Bulldog stopped and gestured dramatically with a sweep of his arm toward the huge television set that practically filled the living room wall.

"Dr. Crane... Welcome to the world of football."


	10. Chapter 10

"All right." Bulldog said. "First rule of football is this... you have to watch it on a big screen TV! Nothing else is acceptable!"

Niles took out his notepad and began writing furiously.

"Okay... Big screen TV." Niles repeated.

"Right. And you must have the appropriate drink to go with the occasion."

Bulldog continued.

"You're absolutely right!" Niles agreed. "We need something tough, powerful-."

"Exactly, Doc!" Bulldog said excitedly. "You're not as dumb as Roz says you are!"

Niles' eyes narrowed. "I beg your pardon? What did you say?"

"Um... Nothin', nothin'! Forget it! Look, the game's about to come on again, so what can I get you to drink?"

Niles thought for a moment, his hand on his chin. "Well... let's see... Oh! I know! How about a glass of cabernet red? It's light in appearance but tougher than it appears!"

"I'm sorry, what?"

Niles rolled his eyes. "Wine, Bulldog!"

"No way! That's total BS, Doc!"

"When I said wine, I meant the beverage, not your tone of voice!" Niles snapped.

"Look, I'm not sure this is worth $200." Bulldog muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, for one thing, who in the hell drinks wine while watching football?"

"What do you suggest then? Champagne?"

"You need a real man's beverage!"

Before Niles could question him further, Bulldog disappeared into the kitchen, returning seconds later.

"Here. Drink this."

Niles cringed at he beverage he held in his hand.

"You can't possibly expect me to drink this!"

"Why in the hell not? I drink it all the time."

"My point exactly!"

"Just take it, okay? It won't kill you!"

"Surely you don't expect me to drink... Rainier Beer!"

"What in the hell is wrong with it?"

"Nothing. It's just-."

"Come on, Crane! Be a man! Open it up and take a gulp! It won't kill ya and even if it does, you'll die happy!"

Bulldog laughed hysterically at t his own joke.

Niles sighed in exasperation and looked at his watch. "Oh, all right!" He popped open the can and stared at the label in disgust.

"Okay, now gulp it down and then slam the empty can down on the coffee table!" Bulldog yelled.

Niles gave him an un-amused glare.

'"Come on, do it!" Bulldog prompted. "What are you, a snob? Oh wait... don't answer that."

"I don't see what the point of this is!" Niles said ignoring Bulldog's comment.

"Just do it!" Bulldog yelled.

"All right, fine"! Niles said. He took the beer and opened the can, and then drank its contents without taking a breath...

"Yes! Now slam the can down on the coffee table!"

Barely able to breathe, Niles rushed into the kitchen.

"Oh man... if you get sick in my apartment..."

Seconds later Niles returned with a dishtowel which he laid on the table.

"What in the hell are you doing with that?" Bulldog asked.

"Protecting the furniture." Niles said calmly. "Frasier always says-."

"The hell with him, all right? Just drink up!"

Niles slammed the empty can on the table and gasped in amazement. "This is so... liberating!"

"Um... right. But these are just the basics, okay?"

"I suppose, but when are you going to teach me about football, Bulldog? You know... Home runs and baskets and that sort of thing?"

Bulldog shook his head in disbelief. "All right. Look, the game's back on so concentrate, okay?"

Niles nodded and put his pen to paper, ready to take some notes.

Meanwhile, Bulldog gulped down another beer. He had a feeling that before this afternoon was over; he'd be making a beer run.

He was going to need all the alcohol he could get.

Good thing he had an extra $200.


	11. Chapter 11

"Okay, now pay close attention to the screen." Bulldog said. "That guy with the football? He's the quarterback. That's like the leader of the team."

"Quarterback? What a ridiculous name!" Niles observed. "Why, if I were him I'd be appalled!"

"Look, who cares about his damn name?" Bulldog yelled.

"Well, I'm just saying that with a name like that, I don't see how-."

"Forget it, okay? Let's... move on to something else."

"I'm listening!" Niles said with a grin.

"Yeah, I bet you are!" Bulldog mumbled. "Okay, when the game starts, the team forms a huddle. The quarterback is the guy who throws the ball, but you've also got your wide receivers, your center, defense, defensive back, defensive end and tail back."

"Where do they come up with all these names?" Niles asked, writing furiously.

"Who would want to be called defensive? That's derogatory and a sure sign of someone who needs therapy! And the center? The center of what?"

Ignoring Niles, Bulldog went on. "Now, a touchdown is six points. And then the kicker tries to kick an extra point to make it seven. You have your rushing yards, illegal grounding, interception and holding."

Niles blinked in confusion. "Holding? Well of course they're holding! They're holding a football for goodness sake! I never dreamed that football had so many terms. Why, they didn't give us this many terms in my classes at Yale!"

"Yeah, whatever." Bulldog said. "Look, we've got to hurry because the game's almost over and-what the hell is this? Illegal grounding? No way, ref! That stinks! That's total BS!"

"Illegal grounding? Well if it's illegal, how can they get away with it?" Niles asked. "Someone should call the police immediately! In fact-."

Bulldog's eyes widened when he saw Niles holding his cell phone.

"What in the hell are you doing?"

"I'm calling the police!" Niles replied. "I'm going to demand that they go down there and arrest the offenders!"

"Arrest?"

"Yes of course! It's illegal isn't it?"

"Let me explain something to you. A... there's nothing illegal going on. Illegal grounding is a football term. And two... THE GAME'S BEING PLAYED IN MIAMI!"

Startled by Bulldog's outburst, Niles shuddered. "Well you don't have to yell! Just... explain it again."

Bulldog sighed loudly. "All right, let's move onto something else. Oh man! Flag on the play! What? Oh damn! He's doing a hail Mary!"

"Well they should be praying!" Niles observed. "They're out on that playing field, getting jumped on, pushed down, run over..."

"Okay, let's try something easier." Bulldog said. "That big yellow thing on the end of the field? That's a goal post. And the space underneath is called the end zone."

Niles wrote furiously, filling several pages of jumbled notes, none of which made any sense at all.

"Um... I think you'd better go now." Bulldog said.

His concentration broken, Niles looked up from his writing. "Go? But why? Are we finished?"

"Oh yeah, we were finished hours ago!I told you this wasn't going to work!"  
"Of course it'll work! I have pages and pages of notes in my hand! Why, I'm practically an expert at football now! I feel like joining the NFL!"

Bulldog froze. "What did you just say?"

"I said I could join the NFL." Niles repeated.

Bulldog danced around in victory. "YES! You actually figured something out! That's totally awesome! You know what the NFL is!"

"Well of course I know what the NFL is!" Niles repeated. "I thought everyone knew that! How could you not know about the National Football Association?"

"Exactly!"

"Although I can't for the life of me begin to understand why anyone interested in football would be required to join a club in order to participate! The idea of having to attend weekly meetings just to talk about home runs and baskets is beyond me!"

Bulldog drank yet anther can of beer without taking a breath and slammed the can down on the coffee table, sending beer flying everywhere.

"Dear God!" Niles said, frantically trying to get the beer off of his suit with the dish towel. "My dry cleaner will be appalled when he sees this!"

"I'm appalled now." Bulldog replied, stuffing a handful of chips into his mouth.


	12. Chapter 12

"All right, Doc. I've had enough. Now get out!"

"Bulldog, what you are saying?"

"You heard me, now beat it!" Bulldog yelled.

"You want me to leave? But why? The opposing team is about to make a basket!"

"Riiiggght. Maybe we should watch something else for a while."

"Why that's an excellent idea!"

Bulldog changed the channel until a sports special appeared on screen, showing highlights of the past year.

Niles could feel the onset of a headache as images of the Mariners, Sonics, Seahawks and Huskies filled the screen. Bulldog commented on each and every clip, going on and on about fly balls, pop flies, baskets, innings, field goals, home runs and hundreds of other sports terms that Niles simply didn't understand. 

He wrote furiously on his notepad, blinking in confusion at what he'd written.

"Bulldog, this doesn't make any sense!"

"What in the hell are you talking about?"

"Well for starters, what on earth is a dog doing playing baseball?"

"Huh?"

"Right there!" Niles said, pointing to the screen in excitement.

Bulldog smacked himself upside the head when he realized what Niles was referring to.

"Okay, wiseguy... That's the mascot of the Huskies. They run the dog across the field when they score at FOOTBALL games! Got it!"

"I'm not sure." Niles said.

"Get out!"

"What?"

Against Niles' protest, Bulldog shoved him out the door, slamming it behind him.

Outside the hideous apartment complex, Niles turned to the door and scoffed.

"Oh yeah? Well there's no chance in hell that the Mariners will ever go to the Superbowl!"


	13. Chapter 13

Glancing repeatedly at his watch, Niles drove as fast as he could through the streets of Seattle, taking great care not to jeopardize his son's safety. But the game had long since ended and Daphne would be home soon.

Niles was supposed to have been spending the day bonding with his son; not sitting in a horrid apartment listening to Bulldog try to explain the finer points of football.

It was all so confusing; touchdowns, baskets, free throws, home runes, quarterbacks... who could possibly keep track of it all?

Suddenly his father seemed like a genius for being able to enjoy the game and not be confused by it all.

A half hour later, Niles was walking into the Montana carrying his son who could barely stay awake. No doubt Mrs. Woodson had spent a considerable amount of time playing with David, wearing him out in the process. But it made Niles happy that he was able to "share" his son with her. Mrs. Woodson rarely got to see her own grandchildren.

He kissed David and carried him upstairs to the nursery, laying him in his crib. Within seconds the baby was sleeping soundly.

As quickly as possible, Niles ran downstairs and turned on the television, smiling when he found a station called ESPN. He cringed when he noticed that they were repeatedly showing a scene of a football player being knocked to the ground and then trampled by the other players.

What kind of game was this anyway? What sane human being would enjoy watching such violence over and over again?

When the player emerged, he was so beaten up that he had black circles under his eyes! Why, Niles had the smallest urge to notify the NFL and have the persons responsible punished! The man was simply trying to throw the ball and was crushed in the process! How do they expect him to throw a home run if he doesn't get a chance to throw the ball in the first place?

He shuddered, praying that David wouldn't find interest in such an unfriendly game!

The very idea that Daphne had an interest in football was confusing enough. When he'd gone to see Wuthering Heights with her on Superbowl Sunday several years ago, she'd told him that she absolutely loathed the game!

So what changed her mind?

There was no denying that his father was at least partially responsible for this disturbing change.

But it was worth the time and effort that Niles had put into this day learning about the sport. Finally he would have something in common with Daphne and that was the most important thing.

The sound of the key in the lock made his heart skip a beat...

For his angel had come home.


	14. Chapter 14

With the grace of a dancer, Niles bounded across the living room, smiling when he saw her standing in the doorway, looking incredibly beautiful.

"Niles, I-."

Before she could finish, he pulled her into the living room and kissed her deeply.

"Hello, my love."

"He-hello Niles. What's going on?"

"Nothing, nothing at all. I just missed you so much."

"Oh, Niles I was only gone for a few hours. You couldn't have missed me that much."

Niles grinned. "How was your party?"

"Well it was very nice. Just the sort of relaxin' day I needed. Thanks so much for lettin' me go."

"Of course, my angel." He grinned. "Did you enjoy the game?"

She looked up in surprise. "The game?"

"Yes, the football game!" he said excitedly.

"Oh... well of course I did, but-."

He took her hand and led her to the fainting couch. "I thought so. Come here my love."

"Just let me hang me coat up and-."

"You have a seat. You must be exhausted. I'll hang it up my love."

She smiled and sat on the fainting couch. "Thank you, Niles. But what's going on?"

"I want to show you something."

"All right, but don't you think-."

Niles picked up the remote and turned up the volume on the television set, smiling when he saw that the game was still on.

"Ah... here we are!"

Daphne looked at him in amazement. "Niles, why are we watching this?"

Niles turned up the sound and sat down beside his wife, draping an arm around her shoulders.

"Now, watch this incredible play!"

"Niles, I really-."

"Come on, please? I've been waiting to show you this for hours!"

"You have? But why?"

"Just watch."

Daphne smiled and touched his cheek. "All right."

"Now, the guy with the football, he's called the pitcher. He's going to throw the ball and... Yes! He did it!"

Niles jumped up from the sofa, punching his fist in the air the way he'd seen Bulldog do it.

Daphne stared at the screen in confusion. "Niles, that's not the pitcher! This isn't baseball and-."

"Shhh! Hang on! Watch this!"

When Daphne returned her attention to the television set, where the ball had been thrown and a mass of players had tackled the quarterback.

"Not again!"

"What's wrong, Niles?"

"Damn! I can't believe they'd ruin their chance of making a basket like that!" Niles yelled. "They were so close to home plate!"

"Home plate, Niles?"

"How does the NFL get away with paying these players so much money? They can barely throw a football, much less even attempt to run the bases!"

"Niles, I think you mean-."

"Oh, this is incredible, Daphne!"

He focused his attention to the television, mesmerized by the game unfolding on the screen.

"What are we watching?"

"The shortstop is about to kick a field goal!"

"I think you mean the kicker, don't you?"

"No... I'm pretty sure he's the shortstop, although I can't for the life of me figure out why they'd give him such an insensitive name!"

"Insensitive..."

"Well, yes my love! I mean, he's hardly short! He looks as though he's six foot two!"

"Niles, this is ridiculous!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well for one thing you're sitting here watching football!"

"I know, but -."

"And you're getting your sports terms mixed up again!"

"What? But that's impossible! Why, I'm practically an expert at the game!

"Oh Niles, when are you going to admit that you'll never know anything about football, so why don't you just stop this ridiculous...whatever it is you're doing?"

He knew it was unintentional, but the words made his heart sink. He'd managed to make a fool of himself yet again.

Swallowing hard, he feigned a smile.

"You know what, Daphne? You're absolutely right. Well... I'll be in my office. I'm sorry I ruined your afternoon. David is upstairs sleeping, by the way."

He kissed her cheek and with his head hung low, turned and went to his office; leaving her thoroughly confused.


	15. Chapter 15

Daphne crept into the nursery, smiling when she found her son sleeping soundly.

"Hello, my sweet angel." She whispered. "I'd love to stay in here with you and perhaps sing you a lullaby, but your daddy needs me. Something's going on and I'm not quite sure what it is. Ever since I came back from me party, he's been actin' strangely. But I'll take care of that. Your daddy is the most loving man I've ever known and I'm sure there's a good explanation for his strange behavior. Watchin' football indeed! Well, I guess I'd better get down there and straighten this out."

Closing the door until it was ajar; she walked down the stairs and into the living room where the TV was still on.

Bloody hell... if she saw one more football player she was going to scream. One afternoon of that was more than she could take.

She crept into the library and to his office, where she found the door closed.

"Niles?"

When there was no response, she knocked gently.

After several minutes, there was still no response, and she began to worry.

Risking the fact that he might be angry with her, she turned the doorknob and slowly walked inside.

To her dismay, she found him sitting in his leather desk chair, with the saddest expression she'd ever seen.

"Niles?" she said again.

His eyes met hers and then quickly looked away.

Immediately she went to him and stroked his hair. "Are you okay? What's happened?"

He sighed deeply and took her hand. "I've failed you yet again my angel. I'm so sorry. "

"Failed me? Niles what are you talking about?"

"The football game. I tried so hard! And I can't believe I paid Bulldog $200 to-."

Daphne's eyes winded. "You gave Bulldog two hundred dollars of our money? Niles, what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking of you, my love."

"Me? How could you possibly be thinking of me? Niles Crane this is the most selfish thing you've ever done! What on Earth would possess you to give him two hundred dollars?"

"You're right, Daphne. I was selfish, and I'm sorry. I was just... I wanted to learn all I could about football, but I guess it wasn't meant to be."

"He charged you two hundred dollars? That's ridiculous!" Daphne said. She picked up the phone and began to dial.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm calling your father and have him get your money back for you. Bulldog is nothing but a thief and-."

Niles put his hand over hers, causing her to hang up the phone.

"Niles what is going on?"

He sighed deeply. "Well, you said that we had nothing in common so when you asked to go to Roz's party, I wanted to learn as much as I could about football."

"But why?"

"Well, you love it so much and I just thought-."

"You mean you did all this for me? But Niles you hate football!"

"I most certainly do!"

"Then why would you subject yourself to spending even more than five minutes with him?"

"Because... we're so different Daphne. I wanted to have something that I could share with you... some... interest. But I guess I really messed that up. I don't know a football from a baseball it seems."


	16. Chapter 16

Daphne hugged him warmly, kissing his cheek.

"And that's why I love you so much."

He looked up in surprise. "You do?"

"Well of course I do! I'm glad you don't care for sports, because I had more than enough of that from living with your father all those years."

"But what about the party at Roz's? You were so eager to go!"

"Well I did have a nice time but I barely watched the game! Actually Roz and I spent almost the entire time talking and catching up. All I really wanted was some time to meself, without having to think about housework and me chores. I could care less about overweight men with big egos, pushing each other around on a football field! And besides, I missed you terribly."

The relief Niles felt was immeasurable. "Oh Daphne, do you really mean that?"

She wrapped her arms around him and kissed him deeply.

"With all me heart."

"I love you, Daphne."

"And I love you too, Niles."

"So what would you like to do now?"

"Well... David's asleep and I was thinking that we could watch a movie... just the two of us. I'll even let you pick the movie."

"Okay. How about that romantic comedy you love so much?"

"Actually I was thinking of something more realistic." Daphne replied.

"Oh, you mean like a classic romance like Casablanca?"

Daphne took his hand and led him out of his office.

"A surprise... Well, I can hardly wait to see what it is."

"Just wait there." Daphne said with a grin. She turned off the light in his office and then all the lights in the living room.

"You want to watch the movie in the dark?" Niles asked.

But Daphne just smiled and took his hand once more. Slowly she led him up the stairs, pausing to kiss him deeply.

When they reached the bedroom, she began to loosen his tie.

"Daphne..."

She ran her fingers through his hair, kissing his cheek, his mouth, and began trailing kissed down his neck until she came to his collar bone.

"I thought we could make our own romance." She said, kissing him deeply.

"My love, that's the most wonderful thing you've ever said to me."

Niles led her to the bed, where they fell onto the mound of pillows and began a romantic interlude that made Daphne forget all about the movie.

Reality was a million times better.

THE END


End file.
